Hey mama, remember how you used to be able to finish a full cup of coffee before it got cold? Seems like ages ago, right? that’s why I add ice cube now.
Last night, I remembered how crazy it was with the stain of milk on my shirt, I hardly recognized the woman in the mirror. It was at this moment that I realized: between the pregnancy test and these insomnia sweats, I’d morphed into a slightly different version of me that I no longer recognized. Not just a mom (though God knows I love this tiny human more than life), but someone caught in this beautiful, messy, heart-wrenching space between my old self and this new identity.
I remember the nurse talking about matrescence – this birth of a mother – and I completely forget about it… until last night. And even though she talked about it, nobody warned me that while I was bringing my baby into the world, parts of my former self would slip away in the darkness of those endless nights.
The Moment I Became ‘Mom’ and Lost ‘Me’: A Journey Through Matrescence
Matrescence is like “adolescence” (teenagers phase), it’s the emotional, physical, hormonal process of becoming a mother. You’re giving birth to your baby and the new version of yourself at same time.
When they put my new baby on my chest, while everybody congratulated me, deep down there was something different going on in my brain, seismic activity that I had not anticipated. And sure, I knew my life would never be the same, but nobody prepared me for how much of my own self would evaporate in that initial gurgle. One minute I was Kate who loved spontaneous coffee dates and late-night movies, and the next, I became “the mom in room 305.” That transition hit harder than any contraction ever could. During those endless newborn stage nights, while scrolling through social media at 3 AM and seeing my old self in “memories,” I felt this ache I couldn’t quite name. It wasn’t postpartum depression – though God knows that’s real too – it was something different. My sense of self was slipping away with every diaper change and midnight feeding. The woman who used to lead board meetings was now celebrating a five-minute shower as the day’s biggest achievement. My feelings of identity loss weren’t just about missing free time; they were about missing the version of me who knew exactly who she was.
You know the hilarity of this identity theft? It was more than just being a mom – it was being someone completely new while still holding hints of who you used to be. Those aspects of your identity that once defined you, never really just go away, they evolve. What my journey through maternal mental health has shown me is that this evolution doesn’t mean I’m shedding the skin of who I used to be; it’s about accepting this multifaceted identity, even when you feel like a stranger staring back at you from the mirror
When Your Soul Whispers ‘Remember Me’: The Hidden Identity Crisis No One Talks About
It happened in the most bizarre moment, whilst folding tiny onesies for the hundredth time, a bit thoughtlessly. That inner whisper — so small, but razor sharp: “Hey you know that girl who used to paint for hours? Who danced in the rain?” As a first-time mom navigating the postpartum period, I’d been so focused on mastering this new role that I hadn’t noticed how the artist, the dreamer, the wild spirit in me had gone quiet. Not just quiet, almost forgotten.
The hardest part? The moments that cause this identity crisis are often subtle. Just like how my mom friends never ask about my dreams anymore, only they ask about what the baby ate or whether he slept through the night? Or when I realized I’d spent three hours researching “perfect baby sleep schedules” but couldn’t remember the last time I thought about my own needs. It’s not just postpartum anxiety playing tricks; it’s this deep, unnamed ache of watching your personal identity slowly fade into the background of sippy cups and lullabies.
But here’s what nobody tells you in those mom groups or parenting books: this sense of identity loss isn’t a sign of failing at motherhood – it’s your soul’s way of refusing to be completely consumed by your role as mom. Those whispers? They’re not guilt trips from your old self; they’re gentle reminders that being a good mother doesn’t mean erasing every other part of who you are. Sometimes, between the big changes and sleepless nights, these whispers are the only thread connecting us to our core self.
Between Diaper Changes and Dreams: The Raw Truth of Who We Become
You know what I realized the other day? Between washing the bottles and tending to work emails, I found myself daydreaming about writing that novel I always intended to write. But instead of shaming myself about it, as I was used to when it came to being a new mom, I had this vision: those dreams are not fighting with motherhood, they’re pirouetting around it. Our identity crisis isn’t about choosing between being a mom and being ourselves; it’s about the raw, messy process of becoming something entirely new.
Everyone talks about how hard the physical postpartum is, but no one mentions that your mind is in a war zone between who you were and who you are growing into. One minute you are practicing one hand typing skills while holding a fussing baby and the next moment you are creating business plans on the back side of the diaper receipt. The beautiful chaos of maternal mental health isn’t just about surviving young children’s demands – it’s about learning to weave your deepest dreams into the fabric of 2 AM feedings and first smiles.
The truth? Stay-at-home mom versus working mother — it isn’t just a matter of time; it’s just about, we’ve turned our essence into something more than we can afford. Though many may lament all the free time they miss out on, I have learned a curious thing: in between diaper changes and deadlines, we aren’t just tending to our little ones, we’re giving birth to new versions of ourselves? They are so much more resilient, more creative, and more powerful than our past self even dreamt possible.
The Motherhood Identity Theft: How Society Silently Steals Our Sense of Self
Let me be brutally honest about something that keeps stealing pieces of us, bit by bit, without us even realizing it.
-The “Perfect Mom” Social Media Trap
After having a new baby, have you ever realized how your social media feed changed overnight? It’s flooded with perfectly curated motherhood moments, making your own experiences feel somehow inadequate. The constant bombardment of “mama bear” merchandise and picture-perfect mom groups isn’t just annoying, it’s wiping out our individual identities, and substituting them with a homogenized version of motherhood that none of us voluntarily signed up for.
-The “Just a Mom” Conversation Killer
That cringe pause you hit at family dinner after mentioning all the careers you had dreamt of? Just to have someone bring it back to you about your mom role? It’s as if society has decided that once we enter the newborn stage, our entire identity should revolve around our children. This subtle dismissal of our other passions isn’t just frustrating – it’s a form of identity theft happening in broad daylight.
-The Invisible Labor Expectation
Here’s what burns me up: while everyone celebrates the visible parts of motherhood, nobody acknowledges how society expects us to silently shoulder the mental load. From managing the family calendar to
remembering every doctor’s appointment, we’re expected to sacrifice our personal identity on the altar of maternal efficiency, all while maintaining our “maternal mental health” with zero support.
-The “Good Mother” Myth Maze
The most pernicious robbery is conducted through the “good mom” story. An impossible labyrinth of our choices, each decision maimed by a crushing judgment from society itself has been created. Take time for self care? You’re selfish. Focus on your career? You’re neglecting your kids. Stay home full-time? You are wasting your talent. This is a fix, an inside job that hijacks our sense of self as collateral damage, and we need to start calling it for what it is, identity theft on the most personal front.
Beyond the ‘Blessed Mother’ Facade: Confronting the Identity Earthquake
You know what’s ironic? We’re told we should be so grateful as SMILES mothers. Meanwhile, we’re crumbling inside looking great on the outside, but that’s exactly how society likes us! The other day at my maternal mental health group, I finally broke down and admitted something I’d never dared say out loud – sometimes I miss my own needs so much it physically hurts. Not just the basic stuff like quality time or social life, but the deep, soul-level needs that made me, well, me.
What is even more terrifying about this identity crisis than balancing a new job with self-identity? It’s witnessing my newly-mom friends live through that same seism of self, and silently surmising that no one else is experiencing these tremors like I am. We’re all trying to maintain this image of the good mother who’s completely fulfilled by motherhood, while underneath we’re desperately trying to remember who we were before our entire identity became wrapped in burp cloths and bedtime routines.
But what really hits me deep in my bones is seeing my own mother finally confess that she has never fully gotten her identity back after having us. I feel like I am looking into the terrifying portal of a potential future. This isn’t coming from some postpartum depression; this is a wake up call yelling for us to face this identity earthquake before it takes another generation down with it.
Rediscovering Your Voice: When Mother and Woman Stand Apart
Can I tell you something that completely changed how I think about being both a mom and my own person?
Finding Myself in Small Moments
I was folding laundry the other day and thinking about some work presentation ideas I had. This time, for the first time ever, I didn’t feel guilty about it. We are not a first mum, which means we do not have to put all the parts of our identity in a cupboard somewhere. I am discovering that my personal identity and me being a mom are not necessarily unfriendly forces, instead I’m learning they can actually help each other grow.
Speaking Up About What We Need
Let me be honest – the hardest thing wasn’t the lack of sleep or constant feeding times. It was sitting in mom groups, biting my tongue, afraid to admit that I needed more than just baby talk and diaper changes. You Are Not A Bad Mom For Maintaining Your Maternal Mental Health Our little ones need us to be who we are, not just their caretakers.
Building a New, Whole Me
The biggest takeaway for me: we do not have to be either mom OR us. When I gave up on dividing my time between the separate categories of “mom stuff” and “me stuff,” everything fell into place. Those precious moments of alone time aren’t about running away from being a mom anymore. They’re about becoming a stronger, more complete version of myself – someone who can be both a good mother and her own person at the same time.
The Unspoken Metamorphosis: Rising From the Ashes of Your Former Self
I got into this bizarre moment at the grocery store yesterday where my card was declined and I found myself completely unequipped to deal with it rather than how I would have previously. This wasn’t just about the cash it was and much more of a reminder of how I’d relied so heavily on others to manage these basic adult tasks in my postpartum bubble. As I stood there with the dreaded line, which finally made sense of this new identity that was not only becoming a mom but reprogramming my whole being as well.
They warn new moms about the physical recovery but no one talks about how your decision-making muscles begin to atrophy. I was closing million dollar deals last year, and now I’m hesitating on baby socks. But it is not only about the lost confidence or feeling of identity loss. It can be this strange limbo where your identity totally unravels and you’re writing with the opposite hand. Everything feels so familiar but completely new at the same time.
